Tuesday, March 11, 2008

a fatman learns to breathe chapter 1

Tonight I went to my yoga class after taking last week off..well there was the MLK holiday and I decided that doing it Friday and then returning Monday (thanks to the advice of a friend) would also be a bad idea…the first week back to school I overdid things and went tread milling everyday and then yoga that first day as well..ouch…my body felt it…

As I was in the class my mind was swirling with thoughts of what have I done now..sending signals to the world and thus bringing my fear of whatever sin I may have committed now level back to near stress levels…I went in and the class was begun by one instructor who started us on some stretches and already I was like "do you not see me? The fatted calf?" I felt she was going a bit too fast…but I tried to keep up with the something dog…

So then the real instructor walks in and sarcastic thom completely kicks in…his name is Michael and he sounds exactly like a yoga instructor named Michael…I just shake my head because when I see something that appears clich├ęd my defenses go up and I get into my angry man against the world mode…

He takes over and once again I am feeling as if he is completely ignoring the fact that I said I was a beginner and going on as if I didn't exist…"for those that can go on reach high"…at one point I am sweating profusely and am ready to leave…but the voice inside me began to drill sergeant me to staying... "you think this is going to be easy? This change this exercise this new person…is that supposed to happen overnight?"…no I say and I stay with it…"now those that can…"

For some reason I went in upset, I was feeling myself on the verge of tears…I kept myself in control but somehow I was feeling a hurt and I thought it was my own at first…I kept saying to myself "well thom you've done it again you've over done things and now you've scared someone away…what have you learned?" but as the session continued my inner ear began to listen to Michael…"now those that can…there are many different body types here…respect what you can do, do what you're comfortable with…respect what your body can do…" oh, he was in tune with the varying levels of accomplishment in the class.

My outer ear finally caught up to what the subconscious had heard and in one pose I had to look at myself in the mirror…I began doing that during this ordeal I am going through but have slacked recently..I have never in the past liked looking at myself as what I see always disgusted me…I forced myself to look at that face…but the past couple of weeks I have distracted myself and just merely glanced while brushing my teeth and that's about it…so in one stretch I was face to face with myself and I forced myself to see me in the eye…"you're going to do this"…I began to listen to what Michael was saying, pain was still harboring my heart and my eyes wanted to let flow…I wouldn't allow it..not in class…

We sat and while breathing Michael said "now think about what you want to be and who you are…what are you?"…I almost lost it at that point…my mind reeling from the good angel devil angel arguing about who and what I am…"I don't know anymore…you are a good person…am I?'…I maintained my sanity and carried on with the stretches as thinking about who I am continued to go through my mind I was definitely not doing this session with a clear mind or spirit…

But it was a statement I could not let go of…"think about who you are…if you can't do that just go ahead and gently drop to your knees…respect your body…think about what you are…" what am I? The list, the mantra I gave myself to focus on a couple of weeks ago came back to me…I had lost focus on it…

I am a dj

I am a writer

I am a musician

I am a creative spirit

I am an artist

I am voice talent

I am a poet

I am a singer

I am a promoter

I have good friends

I focused more intently on Michael's instruction now, my defenses almost completely dropped…almost at the end of the instruction we are sitting and he says to us "you are in the palm of mother earth…she gives us shelter, food and water…what will you give back to her…"

What will I give back to her?...the question tied itself with who am I…"what are you going to do in 2008?"…tears fight themselves to be known but I push them back with force and focus not on my pain but the answer to these questions…

Who am I? what am I going to give back to mother earth? 2008? My mind is already on the brink of insanity trying to figure out why I am feeling pain until it hits me…maybe this pain isn't mine…maybe this pain I am feeling is the pain of another, a soul kindred crying out to the universe feeling as alone as I…I know many people right now who are going through some really tough times…the vibe in Arizona is just not a good one right now…I let go of me for a second and focus on what I am doing…yes it is my pain and yet not my pain…

I am thom gabaldon and I hurt…today I hurt…but today I can accept that I will hurt…tears will form themselves in my ducts and my chest will swell with the hurt I feel…tomorrow I will be ok…I think about these words as Michael continues stretching us "for that that can, there are many variations of the pose…" who am I? What will I give back to mother earth? What will I give back to this universe? How do I see myself in 2008?

I am thom gabaldon














During this I started thinking about people, I started thinking about my friends…I always joke that I hate people..I don't…not really…going out as I have has been very beneficial if trying…the hurt sometimes creeps up on me when I see certain events as what happened Saturday…but then coming out and being out has shown me the things I neglected for so long..taking yoga and experiencing this pain my heart harbors has opened my eyes to what truly matters…I am a dj I am a writer I am an artist I am a singer I am a creative spirit I am a vocal talent I am doing I want to collaborate I want to be around people I want to be in front of people I want to promote I want to live I want to be alive

I want to live the life I had first imagined when I was in the third grade…before sex and masturbation sidetracked me to obsession…I must accept that in this life, I will never be anyone's best…ever…but I can be damn good…and it was that obsession, and the catholic fear of it that cause me to wreck so many good things in my life..I am thom gabaldon dj/writer/poet/singer/solo performer/group performer/vocal talent/host/promoter/creative spirit/living breathing soul…today I hurt…today I can support friends…tomorrow I may hurt some more…but today I live…tomorrow I will live…

And I have beautiful friends

I have the friend a bit wise past her years who held my arm as I wept in the club.

I have the friend whose smile always warms my heart (I am a sucker for a beautiful smile) whose heart also aches from a pain almost unbearable.

I have the friend who said to me outside the club "The world loves you!" in that raspy voice that I can imitate dead on.

I have the boyfriend of the friend who for a moment scratched my back in a we're here for you supportive gesture.

I have the acquaintance who I knew from a friend who talked to me outside and said "So how are you?" He is now a friend.

I have the friend who can mix just about anything and has been a voice of reason when my world first came crashing down around me.

I have the friend who I've known for many years tried to set me up on a date that only ended up me writing about three poems about it.

I have the friend once known as stress boy who has become someone I never knew he could be: an inspiration to me.

I have the friend who remembered me from a concert so many years ago and made it a point to befriend me.

I have the friend who is a living hippy without the trappings thereof and one of the first friends I made out here.

I have the friend who helped me with my websites and then just eased into conversation with me for the first time as if we had known what was in our hearts for years.

I have good friends…I have many friends…my friends, I am thom gabaldon…I want to hold this feeling and carry it with me..I don't want to lose sight of it again…I want to be the person you and her know I am inside…I will never lose that heart on sleeve part about me…I will never stop living my life in front of everyone…Andy Kaufman is still my hero after all…I hurt today…tomorrow, who knows…my world was turned upside down and I know why and I know its causes…I am going through my old poetry and typing it out…such old words hat still ring true…what will I learn this time? I think we know…

Sunday night I went to a poetry in the round at a Glendale coffee shop..it was the first time in ten years that I had put myself out to people like that…there was one poem I read that they liked very much which I am not sharing now (I DO want to be a published author and if I publish the poem in a blog editors DO search these things out and it will be considered previously published) and I am eagerly searching out more poetry readings (not slams I'm not in that league)…I have been sharing some poems with you because I'm done keeping myself away…I'm done putting myself on the shelf and hoping that someone will discover me…I am done hiding behind guilt and fear for what I am and what I can do…I am thom gabaldon, entertainer…pleased to meet you

And to you reading this, please do not respond and you know who you are that I am talking to…I am honored you still read my blogs and am flattered you still keep tabs like that on me…I encourage you to please keep reading, just don't post anything right now…I ask you respect that and these words I place here are never closed to you…

My friends…today I hurt…tomorrow I carry on..I am not trying anymore, I am doing…a friend gave me a bracelet that I keep in my pocket that reads "believe, courage, strength"…it makes sense now…today will finally believe in what the universe has given me and will no longer keep it under wraps…I will have the courage to put myself out there and face whatever consequence happens be it good or bad…and I will find the strength in me to carry on and the strength of people who love me…now I must believe, find the courage and strength to love myself…something I neglected to do for far too long…

Maybe I'm just feeling that post yoga rush and these feelings are only some bizarre pseudo enlightenment that people can get…but I know what's in my heart…and these feeling have been there for so long…I must look at myself every day…I must not let go of my mantra..I must continue to do as I have been…I have much to do…and I hope…for the first time in my life…I hope

I am thom gabaldon

Today I hurt

But I am not alone


thom gabaldon 1/28/2008 1001 pm